OMG: The Founding Foundlings

This entire delusion people call the Roman Empire actually began with two children who were so terrible that civilization was forced to give up on them, and left them in the woods to die.  Unfortunately for civilization, they were found by a wolf who, in complete defiance of the laws of nature, adopted the twins as her own.  This went along quite well for a time, but eventually the boys discovered that they were not wolves, but men, and there was no use in pretending any differently. 

So in a vain effort to rediscover their heritage they decided to do what all men do.  That is, to find a beautiful piece of countryside, erect crude dwellings without building codes, and pollute the waterways with a blatant disregard for sanitation or common sense. They were going to build a city.

Of course, at the first slight hitch in their plans things got a bit out of hand and Remus rather forcibly kicked the bucket.  After thirty seconds of feeling rather sorry about this, Romulus forgot about silly things such as brotherly love, declared himself the winner, and marched of to build his city, which in the most egotistical way he named Rome.

So using the instincts nurtured in his unusual upbringing, Romulus found himself a perfectly dreadful spot on the Tiber River, kicked out a few Etruscans, and called it home sweet home.  Overnight, the city popped up, Romulus disappeared, and no one could ever figure out which part of this story was the most ridiculous.  And thus, a great empire was born.