The Origin of the “Don’t Invade Russia in the Winter” Rule

While Octavian was prancing around after Sextus Pompey, Antony went to war against Parthia. And for once, he didn’t start it. Fortunately, Antony had been spending some time in Alexandria, and with the help of a certain Egyptian queen, Antony was able to repel the invasion. To make sure they didn’t try it again, he led an attack against the Parthian homeland itself. Antony started his campaign late in the year and decided to leave his siege engines and baggage behind with the intention of returning for them later. The Parthians thought Christmas had come early, and circling behind him, systematically destroyed them all. Due to this case of stunningly bad planning, the campaign ended in disaster at the city of Phraaspa when Antony lost thousands of soldiers in a retreat due to the cold weather. (This will later be known as the “don’t invade Russia in the winter, you bleeding moron” rule.) Altogether Antony lost a quarter of his troops to the elements and disease. But after all, seventy-five percent is still a passing grade.

With Antony looking like an idiot, the unmemorable member of the triumvirate, Lepidus, thought his moment had finally come. He mentioned that it might be a wee bit unfair that he had the smallest third of the empire, and if you please, sir, could he have some more? Lepidus succeeded in at last becoming memorable by uniting Antony and Octavian in their decision to boot him out of the triumvirate. The greedy bastards didn’t want to share. Exiled to a small town, Lepidus lived out the rest of his completely forgettable life under house arrest.

Never one to let a sleeping dog lie, Antony decided to take a second stab at the Parthian problem in 34 BC. This time he decided to go after neighboring Armenia instead. (They looked easier to conquer. And his ego was still bruised.) Naturally, this being fought between the Romans and Armenians, it is still considered a part of the Parthian War. Because, you know, if the Parthians had wanted to join in they could have… right? Anyway, Antony made short work of capturing the King of Armenia and holding a triumph. But because he wanted to show off for Cleo he held the triumph in Egypt. After all, he knew she had a thing for conquerors.

The Romans were shocked that Antony would break tradition and not hold his triumph in Rome. (They were even willing to import an elephant.) But no, instead he had to sit on a pair of gold thrones with Cleo and divide up the booty. Antony gave Cleo Egypt (which was technically already hers if you think about it), Syria, and Cyprus to share with her son Caesarian. Antony also recognized Caesarian as the son of Caesar and gave him the title King of Kings. Needless to say, Octavian was not pleased about this. Pissed as hell, he said that Antony was giving away territory to non-Romans, and more importantly was trying replace Octavian with Caesarian. He was right, too. So in 34 BC the second triumvirate was officially over.

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